In Memoriam: Losing A Loved One to Suicide

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A week from last Friday, my ex boyfriend decided it was time for him to leave this earth. As I’m sure those of you with experience have felt when hearing the news, my first thoughts were… this can’t be real.

I’ve been sad, angry and confused since it happened. Guilt has permeated through every single breath I take. Everyone around me keeps saying “It’s not your fault.” I just wish they would stop. To me, it almost trivializes his choice. I know I was part of that decision even if I wasn’t the biggest or even the most convincing part of it.

I was supposed to be there for him. I was supposed to help him through this. He always told me that I was the person who made him feel like he was alive. He said I was the love of his life. Although we ended on good terms, Charlie and I did not talk much since the break up.

My current boyfriend is having a hard time understanding my pain. I completely get it. All he’s ever heard me say about my ex were comments made from anger, embarrassment or hurt feelings. He doesn’t see that for me, grieving my ex’s death is my only way of coping with all the feelings I have locked away.

I feel guilty for not being there for Charlie. He was in so much pain and he masked it well. There were warning signs I never caught on to. I just feel like there may have been something more I could do to help. I guess we all feel that way when a loved one chooses to go.

I didn’t have any romantic feelings left for him, but he was my best friend at one point in my life. We grew together, loved together, built a part of each other’s souls. I just feel like that part of my soul is empty now that he’s not in this world anymore.

His Facebook wall is like a memorial and it pains me to look there. No words can console what hell is going on inside my heart and mind right now. I try to hide it with smiles and staying busy so my friends, family and boyfriend won’t worry, but my heart breaks a bit more each day.

I loved him with my whole heart, and I wanted him to be out there in the world chasing his dreams and going after his goals. He wanted to become a nurse. He was supposed to start school this fall. Now he’s gone and my heart feels an intense heaviness that I can’t bear.

I held a memorial for him today. I brought a dozen roses and invited our close friends. We toasted to him as we drank a couple beers and I read the eulogy. We shared memories of our first meeting, the positive things we remembered and his passion for everything. We ended the service by throwing flowers into the bay by the bridge, most appropriate seeing as that was the way he chose to go.

As the flowers floated away, my heart collapsed to my stomach and a finality swept over me. For the first time since his death, I could feel him hugging me. The rain cleared and the sun started to shine and I took it as a sign that he’s in a better place.

Today was hard. Tomorrow and the next day and the day after that will be hard too. Knowing someone you love has willingly disappeared from the world takes a huge chunk out of your soul. I said goodbye today. Tomorrow I have to keep moving forward.

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