How It Feels to Exist


Do you think that passion is really out there? The kind that doesn’t die. The one that gets reignited time after time by pure romance. Since you left, I can’t stop thinking there has to be more than this. There has to be more than giving up your everything for someone who gives nothing up for you. It’s been a decade since we met. A decade since I fell in love with you. But since you ripped me to shreds, I’ve never been good at this whole relationship thing. I pick the wrong guys, and they pick me back.

I fall in love with the ones who have been broken before. And maybe that’s because I know how it feels to feel that kind of gut-wrenching pain that comes with the brokenness you feel after someone you love chooses to leave you. Because I know what it’s like to feel like a failure, to feel not good enough, to feel crazy for being so in love. I know what it’s like to feel pain. But I also know what it’s like to feel joy. I’ve just never had one without the other in the same person.

Since you, I fall in love with men who can’t and will never want me back. I fall in love with the person they are when no one else is around but us. I fall in love with their smile, their eyes, their touch, their sheer presence in a room. And I think that after the first time they choose to hurt my feelings, that it will get better. Because I understand what it’s like to be scared. I understand coping mechanisms and the way people deal. I don’t know why I think I can heal people. I can’t.

That’s a helpless feeling right there. You see, I’m a fixer. I love too much, and I care about everyone I meet that exudes a good light. I can tell the good people from the bad ones, even though they may come with tainted pasts. And I want to fix their future, because I see their potential, their heart, their soul for what it truly was meant to be. But I can’t.

I often times find myself fighting for a way out of this hellish cycle because it seems like I’m reliving my first love over and over again when I’m with these tortured souls. I’m reliving the pain, the fear, the hurt and the façade. We wear masks to cover up our pasts and no one feels real anymore. I just want to be with real people again. Ones who aren’t afraid to feel. Ones that can be vulnerable and raw.

I want the kind of love where we stay up all night talking. I want the kind of love where we can’t get enough of each other, and so we tangle ourselves up under the sheets and don’t leave the bed for a full day. I want what we had. I want it with someone who wants me as much as I want him. But does it exist?

Does someone exist that can understand my heart? The logical and the illogical parts. The way I feel, and how much emotion my soul can hold. Is there anyone in the world that feels so passionately as me about music, love, life? Is there anyone else out there that can be vulnerable and open without getting scared? We all have battle scars, but I wear mine on my sleeve because I’m proud of the strength I gained from it.

I want someone who loves so deeply that they get lost in it. I want someone who understands what I mean when I say I want to go lose myself in the music played at local bars and dance without caring who sees. I want to feel the music deep in my bones and the love run through my veins. I want to contemplate the meaning of life while staring at the stars, holding hands under the moonlit sky. I want him to respect how silence can allow you to appreciate nature and the beauty of the rest of the world. I want to sit on a park bench and close my eyes, letting people pass by and the sounds fill my ears with the world’s life.

The loneliness feels almost overbearing. I just want to feel something again. I want to feel the way it feels when two souls feel completely in love with each other, stealing glances and kisses and hope for more. Does it exist? Does someone like you exist without the pain you brought with you? It’s been a decade since we met, and years since we last spoke. I never want to feel the way I did all the times you chose not to love me again, but I want to feel the way I did when we were so in love.

I want it to exist. I want to believe there is someone out there that can understand my heart the way you did, and I want to believe he’ll love it with a fervency far greater than yours. I want to believe he’s out there. I want to believe in soul mates.


One thought on “How It Feels to Exist

  1. I can relate to this completely. I’ve had my heart broken before and it sucks. I’ve dated jerks and stayed with them too long. I would love to meet a nice guy who wants me for the right reasons and who really loves me.

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