I love you. Three simple words that once held so much depth and sincerity that fairy tales seemed like reality. As children, we watched as love stories culminated on the big screen. We swooned at great writers’ depictions of emotion. However, we now fail to realize how hard love is to maintain and we ignore the reality that in our fast paced world of instant gratification, love is fleeting. We all want the story book ending, the love that endures all trials, but are we willing to work for it?
Love is something we have to build constantly to keep it thriving. Like a fire, flames burst and then simmer. Maybe that’s why our world is full of disappointing romances. No one is willing to work at it, and those that are are already taken. I was told once that I am too loyal. I need to learn to go with the flow and date around. I’ve never known how to do that. Have two men at once? Go on dates with multiple guys? How do I know when it’s going somewhere, or when to choose and make one of them serious? No, I’d rather keep it simple.
If I’m so much as flirting with you on the regular, hanging out with you frequently and expressing to you that I like you, then there’s a good chance I’m not doing this with anyone else. I’m not saying that I think other people have the same frame of mind. The guy I start seeing is free to do as he pleases. But me? I wouldn’t feel comfortable flirting with anyone else for fear that I’m giving the guy I truly like the wrong message. I’m a one guy at a time type of gal. That’s not to say that I don’t think about other guys, or gauge possibilities but I’m not going to pursue anyone else. That’s just me.
Maybe it’s because my dating record hasn’t exactly been the most normal. If you’re curious, I have a rant on it in my last blog. I don’t know how dating works. Hell, I don’t even know how single works… and that’s exactly what I am! The only real love I ever knew was him. He’s become my reality. He was charming, debonaire, intelligent and funny. I learned to read him like a book. He hated how I could spot a lie coming sometimes hours before the words left his lips.
Oh, but he was violently beautiful. Had a smile that could rip my soul to shreds and words that could shatter my heart. He stole more from me than he gave, but his love was as earth quaking as his soul was a dark and tormented. I can honestly say that I love him in a way that I will never love another human being in my entire life and I guess that’s fair since I also hate him in a way that I didn’t know I was capable of.
Relationships aren’t complicated, so why do we make them so intense? We each have an agenda and I guess that’s what makes things awkward. Communication is key, but why do we suffer from loss of words when we all just want to be on the same page? Are you scared that you’ll lose them? Probably. I know that’s what keeps me from bringing up that initial “What is this?” conversation. Is it my fear of change that prohibits me from expressing myself? Change should be embraced, so why can’t I just take my own advice and speak my mind… no liquid courage needed.
Is it that I’m scared to love again or is it that I’d rather live in oblivion, not defining anything to stay safe? Everyone says that after you experience trauma, you’ll either find a way to stay living in that hell because it’s become comfortable and familiar to you, or you’ll find a way to breathe again and put every last bit of it behind you, embracing reality and change as it comes. I’m still trying to figure out which one I’m more prone to do. As of now, I think it’s affecting all of my relationships: my friendships, my dating record and my family ties. I’d argue that I’m finding my foothold again, but part of me thinks that my past will always haunt me.
I still wake up some nights and reach for him. I still dream of his arms around me and sometimes at random I’ll catch scent of his cologne and look around the room as terror fills my inmost being and immediately clashes with the yearning that still resides somewhere deep within my fucked up psyche. He’s the only thing that ever made any sense to me. From the moment he first kissed me to the day I fell in love with his poetic lies, I was wrapped around his very finger. It’s been three years since I last spoke to him and six months since I was forced to see him face-to-face. What was it about him that now dictates my very essence of dating and sexuality?
I’d love for someone to tell me exactly what it is I do to attract creeps, or get myself in situations where I’m the only one that wants to have the “Are we on the same page?” talk. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever find that earth quaking sensation again. I wonder if he was it and that beautiful, horrific love story was all my little heart could handle for one lifetime. If so, I have to get used to being alone. Not just without a man, but without anyone. Most of my friends have families now, and I’m starting to wonder if that is even remotely what I want. I know I desperately want to be loved, but who doesn’t?
I want to give love more than anything. I want to work at something, nurture it and build a life and love that’s beautiful more than anything in this world. I just don’t know if there’s anyone out there that shares that with me. We all have baggage, and sometimes that weight is just too heavy to pick up and move into new relationships.
Maybe it just means that we need to start talking about the real stuff. What does marriage mean? What does faithfulness mean? Most people don’t get that it’s hard. What happens when the honeymoon is over? Your partner’s ugly side comes out. And you have to learn to love their flaws and find them beautiful no matter what.
Happily Ever Afters? They don’t exist. You have to work at marriage. You have to work at love. Maybe it’s the merlot talking, but I think I’m finally ready to jump into something serious again. Finding my wings never felt so liberating. 🙂